something

today as i was walking home, i felt absolutely and detestably lonely. i haven't felt it in a while so at first i marveled in it, and somehow the radiohead song i was listening to at the time seemed to go perfectly. and then i kept walking, and saw dressed up drunk people with their high heel shoes on and their heavy eye cosmetics and their greasy hair gel all standing and talking and loving and hugging and it made me want to vomit. i both envied them and was disgusted by them. the fakeness, the way that people force themselves to laugh. the one night stands and the meaningless objective to get temporary pleasure. it all just made me so mad. so i walked faster, right by a homeless man sitting on the street corner. i felt a breeze and thought, at least the weather was warm. and kept walking. no change. i detested myself. walked by my reflection, dared to take a look, and felt revolted. this time, i don't know what's going on. what is happening. the feeling of loneliness i was marveling in was suffocating me, now i just wanted it to go away. 14th st is filled with far too many street corners and people, and i wanted everyone to stop and just be. as i was waiting for the light to turn red, i thought i saw the glimpse of a genuine smile, a man to a woman as she stepped into a taxi. but it wasn't there for very long, so i'm not sure if i did see it. go slowly was playing i realized, but i was nearing my dorm and the people outside smoking sounded inaudible, and the song was just not registering. everything was a blur. don't know what this is, but i came and after taking off my clothes, the first thing i did was take out my bowl and smoke. it is 1:49 now. don't know what this feeling is, loneliness or some alien sort of self-disgust that i've never encountered before when i've hated myself, so. what. i'll just keep smoking now and perhaps try to sleep it off. it should go away once i force it out.