Sonnet 113

Since I left you, mine eye is in my mind,

And that which governs me to go about

Doth part his function, and is partly blind,

Seems seeing, but effectually is out;

For it no form delivers to the heart

Of bird, of flow'r, or shape which it doth latch.

Of his quick objects hath the mind no part,

Nor his own vision holds what it doth catch;

For if it see the rud’st or gentlest sight,

The most sweet favor or deformèd’st creature,

The mountain, or the sea, the day, or night,

The crow, or dove, it shapes them to your feature.

  Incapable of more, replete with you,

  My most true mind thus makes mine untrue.

-Shakespeare

so fucked up

Today morning, I came to the conclusion that I have really weird and fucked up dreams. I don't remember the entire story of what I dreamed last night but it was something like, I was running away from something (I ALWAYS am). There are always corridors and a little girl that I must save, I don't get it. But the fucked up part was not that, that's just the weird part. The fucked up part is that I then dreamt I was masturbating out of fucking nowhere and my super creepy (in real life) uncle was laying down next to me pretending to sleep but wasn't and knew what was going on and I didn't realize this until I was getting into it and then I had to run away from him because I heard him breathing heavily and I got the image of him salivating and shit.

Now I know that these are the kinds of things you are supposed to keep to yourself but quite frankly I don't give a goddamn flying fuck because I don't know what the shit I am dreaming anymore. All I know is that I have single-handedly disproved Freud's theory that dreams are subconscious desires because I am being completely honest here when I say that I can think of no more disgusting thing in the world than the events that happened in my dream. Ough what a disturbing day.

So yeah, I have these pretty disturbing dreams on the regular now. Sometimes I am a lesbian, sometimes I am a man, sometimes I see death and grieve in my dreams, I have dreamt of burying fetuses in backyards and children born with large teeth sullen eyes and contagious diseases. Why?

no more cowardice

sorry about that earlier today. i have crossed it out.

in this attempt to stop being such a goddamn pussy, i have also republished some old posts that i had saved as drafts. it's better to look at progress than to try and hide it. yeah? yeah!

school

if you have always wanted to ask a question to the stupidest person in the world, well now here's your chance. c'mon, let's have it!!

how have i fucked up college so badly

HOW

i came into nyu thinking i was going to do everything perfectly, study until my brain rot and do extracurriculars and build up an amazing med school application/resume

have i?

nope.

i am never ever getting anywhere in life and i hate that i think about school 75% to 85% of my time.

and here's the funny part, this is all just me putting pressure on myself. my family just has high expectations but fuck i just gotta do everything perfectly for them because they deserve it

i don't care about myself i don't care i can do without everything i have so long as i do well in school but right now it is the other way around, i have everything that i want except a successful start of a career, where the fuck am i gonna get with that

so fucking stupid jesus christ

and i'm the whiniest person in the planet i wish you didn't have to read this just stop reading i'm sorry you had to

i don't even know how i got into this school i don't deserve any of it at all

mogwai

more people need to see & hear this,

pauline, this means you:

Valentine's Day Weekend

the whole moment we were laying in bed looking at each other and not speaking a word, in my head i kept saying, "i love you i love you i love you".

but i can't say it yet. not until the words are able to be repeated aloud in the same staccato rhythm that i would randomly kiss you.