j,

you always come unbidden into my head don't you? don't know where you are yet, i'm trying to find out, i just messaged your sister, jazmin. she was the one going to italy right? i wonder what happened, i wonder if she ever did. i have gotten no response yet but i hope to hear back from her soon, message replete with good news and "he's okay"s so that i can stop. i mean, the grieving period is over, i think. i think i did pay my dues when i thought of you everyday last year. and every month without fail i would break down. if it turns out you're alive and kickin', i'm gonna be really mad i wasted all those tears!

i'm just kidding.

god i don't even remember how to talk to you anymore. well, kinda. i read a convo of ours, one of the last i think, and you asked if, 'if i died, would you want anyone to tell you?' i didn't answer and told you to stop talking like that. i remember getting mad and just saying bye and logging off, right after you told me that you'd want to know if i had passed away. i couldn't read anymore after that because god, i wish i had said yes. yes yes yes.

i can't think of any good that's coming out of staying in this limbo. god what if i don't even know what has become of you, even after i come back from paris? august 17th will come and go, and then labor day...

enough, dayana. it's time to stop now.